I Spent $2K to Watch Dudes Throw Paint at Cars
A Field Report from Bro Marketing Hell
Let’s talk about those marketing formulas and sales funnels that keep sliding into your DMs with promises of six-figure success. You know the ones – they come wrapped in blue and gray branding, packaged with a perfectly scruffy headshot, delivered by someone who’s never had to consider whether their proven system works for anyone who doesn’t look exactly like them.
I just returned from a conference that was essentially a live-action demonstration of everything wrong with this industry. And I need to tell you about it because if one more person tries to sell me outdated manipulation tactics disguised as revolutionary marketing, I’m going to lose my shit.
The VIP Experience That Wasn’t
They advertised custom VIP hoodies. Exclusive. Limited. The kind of thing that makes you feel like you’re part of something special when you drop that extra cash.
Except they ran out 30 minutes after registration opened to the public on day one.
Let that sink in. They took VIP money, promised VIP perks, and gave those perks to vendors and sponsors instead. What did actual VIPs get? A can of Red Bull and a flyer in a so-called swag bag. Not very swaggy.
But wait – it gets worse.
The opening night ball featured a Vanilla Ice-looking kid custom painting an expensive car. His method? Mean-mugging the crowd, grabbing cups of paint from trays carried by shot girls (I wish I were joking), then yelling, jumping in the air, and throwing paint at the car while the crowd went absolutely nuts.
And then it all made sense. That’s where the VIP money went. That’s why I’m standing here with a fucking energy drink instead of the experience I paid for. They blew the budget on performative masculinity theater.
Look, I’ve been to dozens of conferences, even been behind the scenes at a few, and I know that you cannot please everyone all the time. Fair. But ordering enough swag for everyone who paid for it is basic shit. If budget constraints are real, don’t offer the item on a first-come, first-served basis; give it out as a spontaneous extra. Surprise > Disappointment. Don’t sacrifice paying customers for sponsor optics.
And before you blow your wad on an over-priced spectacle, consider whether your “entertainment” appeals to your entire audience or just a specific demographic. Maybe skip the shot girls and aggressive car painting and invest in experiences that create connection. Imagine if everyone had an opportunity to throw paint at the car?
So many of the organizers’ choices made it clear that they were not considering their attendees. So what the hell did we pay for?
The Manipulation Masterclass Nobody Asked For
The bropocalypse continued on the stages as well. One of the sponsors – a ticket-selling agency – had the audacity to take the main stage and explain their “proven system” to a room full of people who had just been victimized by it.
This guy stood there and detailed his old-school, manipulative, phone-call-heavy sales process. Want to buy a ticket? Get on the phone so we can convince you to upgrade to VIP. He literally explained to a room full of attendees exactly how he manipulated them into spending money they now regret. Then pitched his services so we could all manipulate our own audiences the same way.
I whipped around to my companion and said, “This is so dumb” – apparently louder than I thought, because heads turned with nasty looks. But I wanted to shake everyone in that room and say:
If you’re falling for this, I feel sorry for you. This is not how you sell in 2025.
Not if you want long-term relationships. Not if you want repeat customers. Not if you give a damn about building something sustainable.
Here’s what does work:
Create a transparent buying process that respects people’s time and autonomy.
Offer clear pricing tiers online.
Let people self-select into the experience that fits their needs and budget.
If you want to encourage upgrades, show value—don’t trap people on phone calls.
Build a sales process that attracts enthusiastic participants rather than cornering reluctant ones.
Spend your energy developing relationships with people who actually want to be there from the beginning, not manipulating fence-sitters into regretful purchases.
Notably, even a few of their target demographic – yes, the white dudes this whole circus was designed for – walked out muttering that the presentations were stupid. When your ideal audience feels like they wasted their money, you’ve fucked up spectacularly.
The Problem with Bro Marketing Blueprints
I used to be so fucking proud that I could hang with the sales guys. I highlighted those recommended business books like sacred texts, trying to fold their rigid frameworks around my decidedly non-linear approach.
Spoiler alert: It was like trying to fit a Renaissance painting into a corporate PowerPoint template. Something beautiful got lost in the translation. Looking back, I realize it was the worst version of myself.
Those “fool-proof” marketing formulas were built in a very specific laboratory called privilege. That step-by-step blueprint? It assumes you’re starting on the same step as its creator. That viral visibility strategy? It’s banking on you having the same algorithm advantages as its architect. That sales script? It was written for a voice that sounds nothing like yours.
Bro Marketing doesn’t work if you’re not a bro. Full stop.
It’s not because you’re doing it wrong – it’s because it was never designed for you to do it right. What you need are frameworks that acknowledge different starting points. Marketing education that asks “What resources do you actually have access to?” instead of assuming everyone has the same network, capital, and visibility advantages. Sales training that teaches principles and adaptation rather than rigid scripts. Systems that recognize multiple paths to success instead of presenting one privileged perspective as a universal truth.
I know this shit doesn’t work because I’ve done it. I’m certified in more sales methodologies than these guys have even heard of. I know it can be built better because I’ve built it. I wrote a more comprehensive sales program seven years ago that’s still being used today by one of the largest SMB sales teams in the US, and it doesn’t have any of this hard-close bullshit in it. It’s based on genuine connection and problem-solving, not manipulation and volume games. It creates teams where value comes from what you contribute, not who you know. And it measures success by customer satisfaction and retention, not how many people you stuffed into your funnel. Zero manipulative phone trees. Zero pressure tactics. Zero spray-and-pray. And they love it because it works.
I’ll never understand why anyone would waste time, energy, and resources trying to convince people. Why not spend that effort developing relationships that attract people who want what you’re offering from the beginning?
Stop Giving Credit to Douchebags
While we’re here, let’s address something that makes my soul itch: When I see brilliant professionals giving credit for their success to some basic AF business book they had to completely reinvent to make it work. You know the kind – those “essential reads” that feel about as inclusive as a country club in 1952.
Listen closely because this is important: YOU did that work.
YOU figured out how to take those outdated frameworks and transform them into something that serves your vision. YOU built the bridges over the gaps in their guidance. That success? It’s yours, babe. All yours.
Stop giving credit to people who couldn’t care less about you. Stop trying to squeeze your brilliance into someone else’s blueprint. The most powerful thing you can do is recognize that your unique approach isn’t a deviation from the path to success – it IS the path to success.
Your future clients don’t need another copy of a copy. They need you – your perspective, your experience, your way of doing things. And trust me, they’re out there looking for exactly what you bring to the table, not another repackaged formula from the bro marketing assembly line.
Here’s What To Do Instead
Find better mentors. Look for people who share your lived experience, who’ve navigated similar obstacles, and who’ve built something authentic despite every template telling them they were doing it wrong. These are your guides – the ones who understand that your unique path to success might not fit neatly into a pre-packaged course module.
Question the assumptions. When you encounter a “proven system,” ask: Proven for whom? Under what circumstances? With what resources? What privileges does this assume I have?
Adapt, don’t adopt. If you find useful frameworks, extract the principles and rebuild them for your reality. You’re not broken if the blueprint doesn’t fit; the blueprint is incomplete. Frameworks are where you start, not the finish line.
Build transparent systems. Whether you’re selling, marketing, or teaching, create processes that respect people’s autonomy, acknowledge their intelligence, and deliver actual value. No manipulation required.
Measure what matters. Track satisfaction, retention, and genuine impact, not just volume metrics that make you feel productive while burning through goodwill.
Marketing is like fashion; one size does not fit all.
So why are you trying to make that cheap off-the-rack formula fit you? Your story is one of a kind. You deserve handmade, bespoke success.
Not a Red Bull and a flyer.
If you also think Bro Marketing sucks, grab a F*ck Bro Marketing button or shirt over at the Brilliant Weirdo store: stuff.brilliantweirdo.com
lol! That title was some pretty good click bait that paid off. :-)